I’ve done it. I didn’t think I’d ever do it but I’ve just created my first blog. I’ve never been enthusiastic before about making a blog. The idea of posting personal thoughts an experiences to an audience of strangers never appealed to me (Also, I’ve had agoraphobia for a while and thought that having no one follow me would just lower my self esteem even further. Ope; I’ve already started). Tumblr seemed different though. It’s not like MySpace of Facebook where the purpose of the website is adding every friend and stranger you come in contact with and stalking through people’s photos conversations. Tumblr seemed like a smarter solution. It just seems like a place I can be open and expressive. This could be the place where I dump all the arts I’ve made that I don’t want to show all my friends and say the stories that my friends won’t listen to. It’s my collection of thoughts.
I guess I’ll start with my first story now pertaining to my hesitance of Facebook. At summer camp a few years ago, I met a guy that seemed absolutely perfect in every way to me. Flawless. The first time I saw him I fell head over heels. We instantly became each others’ best friends and we would do everything together. We were the closest out of anyone in the group. He was the sweetest guy and I liked him and he liked me yet neither of us would admit it. On the way back to our cabins from the hoedown one night (yes, they’re still around), I was sleepy and he guided me by my shoulders on the path so I didn’t roll down a hill towards the lake. Right before our group was going to split to go to the boys’ and girls’ cabins, we were walking closely together and our hands brushed together. If it weren’t so dark out, he would’ve seen me blush as I lifted my hand away to grasp my neck. I was too nervous to let him grab my hand so I pulled it away as he turned left and I turned right. On the last day of camp (it was only a week), we exchanged email addresses to keep in touch. A few days after camp ended, I got an email from him. It was a love confession. He told me that although we probably wouldn’t see each other again, he wanted to let me know he loved me and he told me I was an amazing person. Halfway through the email tears were streaming down my face. Innocent and young, I was caught up in the idea that for the first time ever, a guy had told me he loved me. Without thinking or considering the fact that I’d only known him for a week and a half, the romantic in me replied back with “I love you” in addition to some other mushy shit. Huge mistake.
We sent emails back and forth about our adventures back home and how much we loved each other. I told him to join one of my favorite websites, Gaia Online, and he told me to join Facebook. He joined Gaia but I didn’t join FB. We stopped sending emails and starting talking on Gaia. He would continue to tell me how much he loved me but the flame was starting to die out with me. I couldn’t remember what made me like him and I hated having to half heartedly say I loved him to spare his feelings. One of his Gaia statuses was about liking one of his guy best friends and he announced that he was bi. A few weeks later, he announced he was gay yet he was still sending me messages and 8 Valentine’s Day cards telling me how much he loved me on Gaia. I was extremely confused. At this point, he was also starting to get annoying and very stalker-ish. I would post something in a thread and then he would post something. This kept happening and he would follow me into every thread I joined and tried to join any groups I was in. I felt so suffocated and trapped that I just ended everything and completely blocked him from my life. He tried sending me emails and I ignored them. I thought the problem was completely over.
Around this time, I was IMing one of my friends a lot and we got really close. He begged and begged for me to make a Facebook and I was reluctant to with thoughts of paranoia that "he" would find me on Facebook and stalk me all over again. I gave in though and stated to enjoy Facebook. A couple months later, I got a friend request from him with a personal message asking why I blocked him and if I had something against him now that he was gay. I couldn’t just leave him with the impression that I was homophobic or anti-gay so I accepted the request so I could send him a message pouring out how I was feeling and that I didn’t love him. But before I sent him this message, like the smart cookie I am, I posted a my status: HE FOUND ME. I TOLD YOU SO. (The “I told you so” was directed towards my friends that finally convinced me to make a Facebook. I told him I didn’t want to make one because I would be found and he told me it was ridiculous. I responded to comments on my status referring to him as a “deranged fruitpop” and a stalker. Not so smart considering we were friends and he could now read this. I got a furious response where I was called some of the worst things I’ve ever been called in my life. To summarize, I was told I shouldn’t be alive and that I should just go to hell. He told me it was all my fault and that he was far better than I’d ever be. For about a week, I had a horrible achy feeling in my stomach. I pained me to respond back but I corrected him on everything he got wrong and told him I never wanted to see him again in my life. He must’ve told some of his friends because people from his hometown were trying to send me friends requests; probably so they could tell me off because I had my profile to friends only. For about a month I would get that achy feeling right before clicking “login” expecting more hate mail. That and the creepy requests on MySpace formed my dislike of social networking sites.